A Very Finest Blog Halloween

In honor of halloween, please enjoy these three spooooooooooooooky ghost stories.

“The Ghost of the Trudge”

In the town of Fife-Moylan, there is a sector of town known to the locals as The Trudge. And every year on halloween night, they say that The Ghost of the Trudge comes to The Trudge and eats swedish meatballs while building himself a nice, sturdy fireplace. Our story begins at 6 p.m. on halloween night, with a lad by the name of P. Morse Melonbells taking a stroll through The Trudge…

It was halloween, and P. Morse Melonbells was strolling through The Trudge, when suddenly he saw… The Ghost of the Trudge! Sitting in plain sight, eating swedish meatballs and building a fireplace. “Hello, friend”, said The Ghost, “Would you care for a swedish meatball? I’m building a fireplace, care to assist me?”

“Hello”, replied P. Morse Melonbells, “I’m unable to build fireplaces. I’m simply unable, so deal with it you selfish simpleton! The only reason I am in this area, is because I would like to borrow some trading cards, is this possible?”

“Why, no. I need my trading cards 24/7, as thy are my pride and joy”.

“AUGHHHH”.

“Indeed”.

The End

“The Host of All Things Crayfish”

One day a man named Senglious was going to his local Granary in order to steal the grain and sell it on the internet. On his way over he saw four Oak Trees. Now these trees were not just any trees, they were oak trees. Now these oak trees were quite grand seeing as they were very old. The Splendor! Once Senglious got to the granary he attempted to enter it. But seeing as this was not his granary and that he didn’t have permission to enter it this was not going to be an easy task. Senglious tried tossing small bags filled with marbles at the windows. This however, did nothing. Senglious then attempted to break the windows by standing on a chair and repeatedly shouting,”The Scented Cord! the Scented Glass!” This also unfortunately did nothing. Then Senglious ran full speed into the metal wall of the granary. He had broken through it. Once he was near the grain he remembered that he needed something to take his grain home in. He decided on filling his shoes with it and then proceeded on. He then began filling his shoes with grain. He then noticed approximately 4 witches sitting under the grain. One of them had a cauldron. He asked if he could have it to put the grain he was stealing in. The witch said, “I hold the cauldron.” He said,”Fine you tech savvy witch.” He then continued on filling his shoes with grain. One of the wiitches then informed him that they lived in the grain and they were called,”The Grain Witches of the Grassport Tapery.” Another witch then shouted,”I hold the CAULDRON!” Senglious told the witch he was nicknamed,”The Ivory Tuscan Monk of the Isle-Wight Brewery.” The witch then shouted,”Chase the foul beast out of our granary.” He then proceeded to run away from the witches that were chasing him out of the granary. He escaped 19 paces ahead of the witches and saw Cornelius Claude’s good friend Peteen. Senglious asked if Peteen would be his getaway car seeing as his other car had ceased existing. Peteen waved and drove off without Senglious. Senglious then saw a scooter. He hopped on and rode away with his grain filled shoes. Success!

THE END

“The Zombies of Cope-Da-Cope Cove.”

Out in Oklahoma, there is a thriving coastal town called Cope-Da-Cope. And the most famous beach in this city is Cope-Da-Cope Cove. And in this town of Cope-Da-Cope, lives a young man named Berry-Barry, however he often goes by his nickname, Geet. On this fine morning, Geet was going out to Cope-Da-Cope Cove to see if the stack of pickled beets he had put there the previous day were still unharmed.

When Geet entered the cove, there was a surprise waiting for him. A mule! “Oh boy!”, shouted Geet, and he rode off on the mule, forgetting completely about his previous beet arrangement. The next day he returned to the cove. And another surprise was waiting for him. Some cream! “Oh boy!”, shouted Geet, and he promptly ate the cream, forgetting completely about his previous beet arrangement. The next day he returned to the cove. And yet another surprise was waiting for him. Zombies!

The End

Happy Halloween

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter

10/31/10: Top Ten Best Halloween Costumes of All Time

10. A Glass of Milk

9. The Entire Cast of the Hit TV Show, ‘Meet Donovan: The Chronicles”

8. A Green Glass Button

7. Everything

6. A Paper Towel

5. A Bag of Leaves

4. A Fist of Rage

3. Perry the Plum

2. Representative Tem

1. A Flock of Owl-Men

Follow The Finest Blog on Twitter

Quote of the Week: 10/31/10

“Prudence! Put the stove on! Post haste! Prudence! Change my car’s oil! Rapid! Prudence! Monitor the grappling hook! At once! Prudence! Attend the regional area! Sans hesitation!”

– PowerPig

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter

An Interview With Mop de Mon

The Finest Blog: Greetings, Mop de Mon.

Mop de Mon: Greetings withheld.

The Finest Blog: How are you on this fine October morn?

Mop de Mon: What a stupid question. Some interviewer you are.

TFB: What a stupid answer. Do you have any pets?

MdM: Who cares? Would you like to hear my theory as to why sharks are gray?

TFB: So how are you?

MdM: Last week I decided that I wasn’t going to put up with my neighbor anymore. He ‘accidentally’ dropped a few grains of gravel from his driveway into my yard. He claims that he was transporting the gravel to his grandfather as a ‘congratulations on purchasing a slug’ gift, but I’m just not quite sure. According to him, the gravel dropping in my front yard was an accident, which happened while he was transporting said gravel, but I just wasn’t quite sure. Alas.

TFB: You didn’t answer my question, you stupid doppelgänger. I asked, how are you?

MdM: That neighbor of mine is just no good at all. His name is Cooper Dome.

TFB: Very well than, I shall continue on to my next question: Where do you live?

MdM: Would you like to hear about my dinner plates?

TFB: Sure, what about ’em?

MdM: Bah! What a stupid thing for you to say.

TFB: Hey!

MdM: Goodbye. I’m leaving.

TFB: Your leaving?

MdM: No.

TFB: Okay.

MdM: Okay.

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter

From The Mind Of Timothy A. Hertz: Vegetables

Hello.

My opinion on today’s vegetable scene? It’s all terrible. The other day I was having a discussion on the topic of vegetable motivation with a man by the name of Tope-Man-Taup. I told him that I wanted nothing to do with vegetables such as milk, cheese, butter, and cream. He told me that I was confusing vegetables with grains and proceeded to do a dance called the ‘Top-Scurvy Shuffle’. I halted his infernal dancing by taking a pair of trousers and stuffing them into my left shoe. That really showed him! The point is that vegetables just won’t do. When I am given some food on my plate, I expect it not to be food that was concocted by Mart McMillan: An Insufferable food tycoon. Unfortunately, all vegetables were created by Mart McMillan. He created them out of his own beanbag chair. What a scamp.

There is only one meal which I will willingly consume. It is the only meal possible that isn’t tarnished by the shabbiness of vegetables. I call it the ‘Timothy A. Hertz Specialty Brewster Meal” The main course is a single pile of Harp Knobs with a side of Courtesy Curry. To drink, I have a glass of Barnabe’s Superb Syrup Sluice™: A drink made by a man named Seed V. Keet. Seed V. Keet makes this delectable drink by taking several gallons of liquified cinnamon and stirring it ’round in his big ol’ Jonathan Tub. The Jonathan Tub is a type of wash tub which some consider to be the most cumulative variety of tub on the market.

Vegetables have been climbing a slippery slope for centuries now. I’ve had it in for those vegetables ever since they purloined my supply of grape-flavored apple juice back in ’44. And I show my disdain for vegetables by quietly protesting them meal after meal. Once, for some reason, a man named Grip Ma Dink was having me over for dinner. The dinner he was serving was something he called the ‘Steaming Plate o’ This ‘n’ That’. Needless to say, it consisted mainly of vegetables. I wouldn’t eat it! Not me! No vegetables for this Backgammon Partaker! So I took that plate of vegetables, picked them up one by one, and put them on the floor where they belonged. Then, I politely asked Grip Ma Dink to get on the floor as well, but he refused. I didn’t force him to get on the floor, as that would be rude. So I departed. Bye Bye, Grip Ma Dink.

That is all.

Timothy A. Hertz

Follow Timothy A. Hertz On Twitter

I Cornelius Claude: Cell Phone Shopping

Hi All

The other day I went to my local cell phone store, “Luís, The Ultimate Predecessor.” They sell all sorts of phones like the famous, “Krimpet Tyler Totter Tele,” and the top of the line, “Baker-Tapio Dual Macro.” When I entered the store I saw a sign advertising the new,” Scoop-Tonic-TTY,” TTY stands for Total Talking Youngling. I then saw my friend Peteen. He is a worker at the aforementioned store. He also belongs to the Ultra Sé-Té Troop: An elite group of cell phone owners who have either a pet duckling named Nelly or have committed a travesty towards someone named Nelly. He has done neither of these. Neigh Sayer!

I then walked up to a man who was perusing the phone collection. He was called Thomas Drafer. I proceeded to quiz him on whether he preferred the Tré Ache type of car or the less permeable Tan-Boss car. He told me to leave him be seeing as he was busy doing perusing. I walked over to Peteen and gave him a swift kick to the pants. I then proceeded to walk over to a man who was listening to the band, “Templeton Heroes.” Now I hated this band so I asked him about his preference of bands. I asked if he liked, Decidedly Twins or Twit Twat: Drake’s Key Poncho. He told me to go. I then went over to Peteen and gave him a swift kick to the pants. He then suggested to me that I purchase the, Ostrich Joy Bean Phone. I then told him that I preferred my tepid phone and dumped a bag of Walnuts on his head. He protested this act profusely. I then ran out of the store and placed four bagels on the dashboard of his car.

Well I know one thing for sure, I’m not going back to that meek excuse for a cell phone store. Pah!

Good Done

Cornelius Claude

Follow Cornelius Claude On Twitter

A Fond Farewell to Eel Week

As most of you know, last Sunday, The Finest Blog’s first annual Eel Week ended. Let us not forget the niftiness of the eel. Each member of The Finest Blog Staff had something to say about the end of Eel Week.

Timothy A. Hertz said, “Eel Week was as swell as can be. And now, on to the next big event: feeding my pet fish”.

Cornelius Claude said, “The splendidness of Eel Week can be summed up in one sentence: ‘If you don’t relinquish my nightcap at once, I may have to fill your shoes with paper clips'”.

Farbles Tarp said, “Eel week was a carnivorous blast, and I am sad that the fun must end. Until next year!”

Pal Minecto said, “Eels! What an animal!”

Minún Pitts said, “The fact the Eel Week is over does not sadden me, as it will return in a year’s time. Which unfortunately is 4.3 ‘Minún Pitts Years”.

Ulti Crams said, “This was easily the best Eel Week we’ve ever had”.

d’Neî Wingrem-Orum had nothing to say.

Tore Pepen said, “Eel Week was a success. Because of me, no doubt”.

Bo Dee-Tah-Gís said, “Eel Week was last week? Phooey. I thought it was next week. I missed it! And I had prepared the most wonderful eel-related event ever for it. The event in question would have blown the readers minds. Said event was the most exciting thing ever. Even hearing what the event was would’ve been tons of fun for all those involved. It’s a shame that the readers will never see this mysterious event, nor will it be revealed to them what it was”.

Dafe Mo-Mitt, the employee we hired just yesterday, said, “Isn’t this whole Eel Week thing just sort of a rip-off of the Discovery Channel’s Shark Week?”

UPDATE: Dafe Mo-Mitt has been fired.

Mana-Itsue d’Ohanahay said, “Eel Week is over”.

Dingaling-Vake-Pommi’s lead singer Inkro-Ervo Tottingwillis said, “Three cheers for Eel Week. Hip Hip Harp Hoop Hap Hip Hooray!”

Goodbye, Eel Week.

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter

Guest Blogger: Officer Moke-Mome

It is I, Officer Moke-Mome: The finest neighborhood police officer in all the land. My simple method of disciplining nogoodniks is both effective and nifty. What is my method you ask? Well, I’ll tell you, humble reader.

Whether the crime is stealing pencils or looking at me funny, there is one punishment which is always as effective as can be. And that my friends, is a stern talking to. When I see a nogoodnik partaking in some sort of shenanigans, I give ’em a stern talking to, and the results speak for themselves.

Last week I caught a nogoodnik by the name of Thatch committing a heinous crime: hula-hooping without a permit. This wouldn’t do, so I gave the lad a stern talking to. The stern talking to went a little something like this:

“Young man, you are partaking in acts which violate the ‘Oxen Quandary Convention’. Please cease this nincompoopery at once, or I may have to give you yet another stern talking to. Now while we are talking, I take this opportunity to inform you of the impressive wingspan of the Peg Tote Bird”.

Boy, was that talking to stern!

As you can see, I am the model police officer. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my assistant, Bryce Gauss. Bryce Gauss believes in ‘traditional punishments’ such as ‘community service’. Such idiocy. When will that assistant of mine realize that the only effective means of punishment is a stern talking to? The following anecdote centers around my point. I call this story, The Ineptitude of Bryce Gauss.

The Ineptitude of Bryce Gauss: A Story by Officer Moke-Mome

Last week Bryce and I saw a young man graffiti tagging a brick wall. On the wall he had written, ‘Without your oven mitts, you could get a serious burn holding that steaming pan of lasagna, Barry!” While I was happy to see the lad promoting oven safety, graffiti tagging is against the law. It was time for his punishment. “He should do community service”, suggested Bryce Gauss, “Maybe a suitable punishment would be to make him wash off the graffiti”.

“Are you out of your mind?”, I replied, “What this lad needs is a stern talking to”.

Thus Concludes the Story.

So remember folks, Officer Moke-Mome Says: “Don’t be a nogoodnik, or else you will be given a stern talking to. And while we are talking, I take this opportunity to inform you of the unimpressive wingspan of the Sheer-Cob Bird”.

Thanks Folks,

Officer Moke-Mome.

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter

From The Mind Of Timothy A. Hertz: Cars

Hello.

My opinion on today’s car scene? It’s all terrible. What is going on with these vehicles? For starters cars today are completely unable to assist me in the many trials which I attempt daily. If I need to travel to some other destination, a car is plenty useful, but if I need a contraption which is able to convert my pile of rubbish into a sturdy gazebo, well then a car is just not going to cut it now is it, Peter? The problem with cars is that they have these wacky components such as the ‘engine’ or as I call it, the “Simple Pine”, when what they really need is some good old fashioned dignity.

Last week I was dwelling in the abode of my good pal Moe Poyle Crise. While Moe was sketching his fishing lure collection, I took it upon myself to venture into his driveway. Moe’s car was sitting smack dab in the center of that driveway of his. Moe’s car is made by the company “Stellar Steven’s World Class Automobile Fun!”. This company is owned by a tycoon whose name is Feeth Mutt Pan. I decided that I needed to make some adjustments to this shabby disgrace of a car. I began by removing the engine, spark plugs, and car battery. I assumed Moe Poyle Crise wouldn’t mind if I kept these parts as souvenirs. Then I covered the entire car in glue-on sparkles, as this really gave it a nice touch. Then, I filled the car top to bottom with orange juice. Then, for obvious reasons, I smashed the windshield in. Then, to top it off, I lit the whole car on fire. Now the car was ready to be driven. So I got into the car and drove off.

I believe that the moderations I made on Moe Poyle Crise’s car made it perfect. It’s a shame that cars don’t come with those moderations already in place. I can’t help but feel that cars today are being made by slovenly nincompoops. Shame. I shall close with this final thought: Pillowcases.

That is all.

Timothy A. Hertz

Follow Timothy A. Hertz On Twitter

10/24/10: The Top Ten Best Types Of Carpet

10. Feeble Damian’s Ridge Carpet

9: Papa Damas Padworth Carpet

8. Mr. Gertrude’s Grazin’ Raisin Carpet

7. The Deet Miles Rapscillion Carpet Extraordinaire

6. The Coo-Tank Club Carpet

5. Cheese Riders Carpet

4. Timolious’s Fanciful Carpet of Ultra Anxiety

3. The Peet-Ma-Doe Essential Carpet Game Plan

2. The L’Nore Taxworth Carpet

1.  The Raisin Sucrose Shilling-Michaels Carpet DeCap

Follow The Finest Blog On Twitter