the yoLO factory returns!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 19, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Once upon the times a gentleman named Thomas “Go forth go” Poropor created the Vigilant Club of the West. They were vigilant in their patrol. LOL.

My Principal!

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Principal!

the YoLO factory.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Story 1:

Once upon a time, there was an old, old, old lamp in a household. The owner of this household was affected by one shortcoming, and one shortcoming only: he was peeved! The source of this peevature was none other some leeks in his furnished household; he recently had it furnished by local furnisher, Suspicious Spinnor.

Well, here’s where the plot twist occurs. The owner of the old, old, old lamp in the furnished household was… Suspicious Spinnor! That’s right folks, he furnished his own house. This leads to the conflict: he was planning to engineer the aforementioned genetically engineered leeks. These leeks would be lengthy enough to sell on the market for a healthy 7 drachma total. But the leeks were up on a shelf, which was made of gauze.

Now here’s where the second plot twist occurs: at the point, who should enter Suspicious Spinnor’s home but local gauze thief, TienneGingers. “hey!”, replied TienneGingers, “this gauze is mine! It belongs to me, give it! Relinquish it! Renounce yourself as it’s owner, that is to say, give it here! Mine!” This solved all of Suspicious Spinnor’s problems, as with the gauze shelf out of the picture, there was nothing to stop the leeks from tumbling off of the shelf, into Suspicious Spinnor’s possession.

Story 2: A<>k<>A the YoLO factory.

Once upon a day a small, small man named Gerard owned a small, small factory in the south of the coast. This was not just any factory however, this was the one, the only “the YoLO factory.” Well, bare with me here young one you have much to learn and unfortunately know little as the YoLO factory cannot simply be summed up in some short story on some blog in the ether of the internet. Well maybe it can but you wouldn’t know that.

So let’s get down to business. First of all this factory produced two things and two things only. It has produced two things ever in it’s one-hundred and fifty year history and has come through much failure and success over the years.

The products will be named with the quantity of each produced next to it to give you a real neat picture of what goes on at the factory on a daily basis.

Product 1: Jam (quantity: 1, currently working on getting some berries together to make another jam. Within next 10-15 years new jam may be in process of being made.)

Product 2: Headphone (quantity 3, enough to produce exactly 1.5 full headphones folks! Our main product here at the YoLO factory.)

Now the proprietor of our factory is named Barn-Soon, a nickname given to him when one day he decided to leave his barn, soon after he finished feeding his cows. His real name however, is, you guessed it folks, E.B. Swine!

Well that gives you a good picture of how we employ our 1.5 million + workers. Hopefully in the near future you will join us producing the two things that matter in life: Jam and headphone.

Thanks for reading,

Milson Mileson

Attorney@law.biz

Story #3 also referenced as ‘Dventures!

Once upon the whole lifetime of the individual in question, his name was Gear-J. Gear-J was annoying! So annoying, that there existed but one human in existence who was willing to tolerate him. This was his good pal, known simply as Dr. Faughnagatt. Dr. Faughnagatt was wretched! So wretched, that there was but one individual in existence who was willing to tolerate his wretched nature. This individual was his good pal Gear-J. Gear-J was annoying!

These are some of the things that made Gear-J annoying:

– He had numerous T-Shirts, but each one was adorned with the same “diagrammed” pattern.

– He was once quoted as using the phrase, “then what are we going to do today?”

– He was annoying!

– He has trained several birds of prey to sit on his porch. This caused local Bird-Of-Prey-Watching-Group, “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!” to frequently attempt to snag a glance at his porch, through binoculars. This made Gear-J upset. He did not want these individuals representing “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!” to be anywhere NEAR his porch. “Then what the heck have ya got the forsaken birds of prey on your porch for, if you won’t even let us snag a glance at the birds? How the heck are we to view birds of prey, with individuals such as yourself fiddling up our whole gosh darn operation? I mean, they call us ‘We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!’ for a reason, you clown!”, was the general response to the matter from “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!” spokesman, Nedswitch N. Said Gear-J to Nedswitch N.: “That’s a problem that applies to people who aren’t myself. Yuck!”

– He wasn’t polite!

Those are all the reasons why he was annoying. There was really only one reason why his good pal Dr. Faughnagatt was wretched, and here. it. is:

– Well folks, he had the peevesome habit of being a member of “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!”, yet never having seen a single bird of prey. What a troll! This was his main problem, and it was no good. Someone who is a member of “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!”, surely must’ve seen a bird of prey at some point, right? no! And he was forever renowned for his hypocrisy. Said Nedswitch N. (The president of “We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!”) of the matter: “I don’t understand it. I just don’t understand it. I simply do not see the motive of this maniac who, incidentally, is known as Dr. Faughnagatt. However, incidentally, I call him Dr. FALSEagatt, as he is a false member of ‘We Watch Birds Of Pray! In fact, we ALL watch birds of pray!'”. Said Dr. Faughnagatt/FALSEagatt in reply: “Who the heck could so much as care?”

Story 4: Aka. “Watch My Bird Ok, Miles?”

Once upon a unit of time a small pigeon footed pigeon by the name of LanceBride was asked to be watched by none other than the one, the only, Miles Soil Croix. So basically the aforementioned pigeon, LanceBride, was going to be watched by Miles Soil Croix. BUT LanceBride’s owner, Sir CoinStern, was not a so called fan of this Miles Soil Croix Character. Well in the end nobody ended up watching the pigeon, causing the pigeon to incessantly peck the windows from the nearby cinema stadium. The Cinema Stadium ended up shuttering its doors to the general public several weeks later. Well that’s bad. Oh no!

Story #5. There is no A.K.A.

One day, Senator Bill Bell attached a satellite dish to the top of his coonskin cap. “The reception is very poor”, noted Senator Bill Bell. Given the poor reception, he had no choice but to tinker with the satellite dish. he immediately telephoned the company responsible for the dish, “Borris Peadbody’s Nimble Satellite Salle Co.”, and asked where he might purchase an owner’s manual. He was redirected to the owner’s manual dept. of the company, to speak with a representative. The representative spoke thusly to Senator Bill Bell (who was, mind you, still wearing his coonskin cap, satellite dish and all): “My name is Grease Grape, how can I be of assistance?”. Unfortunately, while the representative was yammering on, Senator Bill Bell elected to sell his satellite dish adorned coonskin cap to one of his peers. To this day, the cap remains in the position of Senator Norris Beeds.

Stories: “The Awakening of ”'”Or was he””'””

Posted in Uncategorized on April 22, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Dear Ptolmey: A story of Litmus Paper and Cray-Pas

One day Ptolmey was slowly ambling down his very own country road when all of a sudden…Vandals! They were flying by Ptolmey at a speed not unlike that of a really rapidly moving vehicle. “Oh no!” shouted Ptolmey, “Vandals!” Ptolmey had decided that this moment would be the optimal time for a vandal-saying event as he had not noticed the vandals until this moment. “Well, better call the aforementioned ‘cops,'” said Ptolmey. And with that the vandals vanished!

Another Story about Ants entitled “Ants”:

Once upon the daylight morning sunshine of a sunday afternoon, Gerald “sLaZ” Sanabass decided that he wanted to have a festival. But who to invite? “sLaZ” pondered the matter, and then concluded the the festival would only be attended by proud owners of “Roo-Mayor” dogs. This was convenient as he was already the founder of six clubs for such individuals. Each of these clubs was called “sLaZ”. This was a coincidence, as “sLaZ” was also called “sLaZ”. Well, tip-top pin-drop to that. “sLaZ” decided to call the party “sLaZ”. This was a coincidence, as “sLaZ”, and his six clubs for proud owners of “Roo-Mayor” dogs, were also called “sLaZ”. The first guest to attend “sLaZ” was a gentleman named Rh8xe. Rh8xe was a member of “sLaZ”, “sLaZ”‘s club for proud owners of “Roo-Mayor” dogs. “Welcome to ‘sLaZ’,” said “sLaZ”, “this is a party for all members of ‘sLaZ’: six clubs for proud owners of ‘Roo-Mayor’ dogs.”

“It’s an honor to be in attendance of ‘sLaZ’, ‘sLaZ'”, said Rh8xe to “sLaZ”. The party was a great success. “sLaZ” was pleased to see that members of “sLaZ” had come from all over the world to attend “sLaZ”, including a famous diplomat named Wie Gunther Pess. Mr. Pess was a good friend of “sLaZ”, a member of 4/6 “sLaZ” clubs, and the owner of seven “Roo-Mayor” dogs. Unfortunately, the party went south just as rapid as its previous journey north, when “sLaZ” accidentally misplaced the headlining artifact of the party: a berry!

Syncopation? More like the sounds of muffled lolBirds!

Once a human named Mike “microMike()” Donaldson was looking in his local shop. His least favorite local shopkeep Stinsman “Shine ’em up” O’burtis came up and asked microMike() what he was up to and whether or not he needed any consolation while he shopped his local shop. microMike() replied with a staunch “lolNo, but really, I could use some help lugging these massive crates of dried concrete out to my vehicle!” microMike() loved the thought of Shine ’em Up carrying huge cartons of dried concrete. And so it was! Shine ’em Up lugged all 46 dried concrete crates out to microMike()’s vehicle. Goll-ee!

Pierre

Posted in Uncategorized on April 9, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Once there was a cool, cool human with a name and the name that this cool, cool human had to himself, so that others may address him by it was, Heiannacomms. Heiannacomms A.K.A. “The Gastric Cool Guy” (because he was so cool!) had a job as an employee. He was so cool, that he was awarded four mugs and three pillars of sepia salt. These were his prizes for being so cool. 

One day our cool, cool friend Heiannacomms was visited by his less than cool pal, Tos. Tos was a square! However, he had a slick wool coat which Heiannacomms hoped to claim for himself some day. When Tos entered the household of Heiannacomms, he elected to greet Heiannacomms. Heiannacomms didn’t return the greeting because he was too busy. His to-do list was filled to the brim and he didn’t have time for Tos on this day, no matter how slick his wool coat was. “Get out, Tos, get out now!”, said Heiannacomms. His to-do list had one item, and one item only. He accomplished this item (“Buy Cable”) in a matter of seconds (4053), but elected not to invite Tos back to his house! Heiannacomms!

TODD PART TWO, FOR THOSE CONCERNED WITH THE MATTER

Posted in Stories on April 8, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Dear PitCH,

I am, to say the least, disgusted with this story that you tell me of a so called “comment shop” and for this I am afraid I will have to give you a piece of my mind. I am currently the owner of 9.6 “C”ommet Shoppes and none, count them, zilch, count them, zero, count them once more, thomas, 0, sell vehicles. And you know what? None of them will ever, I reapeat, EVER, sell such fool hardy v-hicles. Now you know why that is? Because v-hikles just like the ones you and yours enjoy so much are currently troubling my pet. Yes you heard me, my PET. My pet being a northern Sotheby-Wretch Donkey. The vee-hiqles pose a threat to my pet and yours alike and that is why I urge you, I repeat URGE you, to not mention these Vhee-hi-c-les in my presence or anyone elses for that matter ever again, I repeat EVER again.
You’re welcome for the schooling with regards to vee-h-ick-les,
Philosophical Todd.
Greetings, GaddeZ,
My favorite brand of parachute saq is… drum roll plz… “Hill Phill Willicassle’s Parachute Case, Designed by World Class Case Designer, Hill Phill Willicassle and Engineered by World Class Case Engineer, Hill Phill Willicassle and Examined by World Class Case Examiner, HANq.”
“Hill Phill Willicassle’s Parachute Case, Designed by World Class Case Designer, Hill Phill Willicassle and Engineered by World Class Case Engineer, Hill Phill Willicassle and Examined by World Class Case Examiner, HANq.” is really the best Parachute Case, because I used it the other day to carry my parachute to and from my local Hero Store. I brought the ‘chute to the Hero store, and the clerk told me that he liked the case! Now this wasn’t just any clerk, this was world class clerk, Clemenoff.
Clemenoff’s opinion is one that is respected world wide, and why wouldn’t it be? After all, it IS the opinion of none other than, you guessed it my good man, world class clerk, Clemenoff! Clemenoff’s hobbies include: monitoring his pet monitor lizard via his computer monitor, shouting “heyyy yeahhhh go!”, contemplating orange/melon/grape drink (a drink created by, you guessed it folks, world class clerk Clemenoff!)
Now, world class clerk Clemenoff is not without his personal preferences.
BYE
TODD
Dear Lo-It-Mowe,
I feel that Hendell B. Hendell’s best movie is his thirteenth effort, or his sophmore squared effort if you will, entitled “Semper fidelis: And Ode to Choral Melodies of Yesteryear.” The movie starred my favorite actor “PoorKorn” and was a stellar performance on all fronts including the camera work. The main camera man, or as a technical person would call it Fossfor4Fodder worker, did a splendid job making sure the camera was in constant motion and was never still or steady. This shaky effect convinced me that Hendell B. Hendell was a stellar filmsmith and grand overall shirt wearer. And let’s not forget Gordon H.B.N. Gordon’s breakout performance in Hendell B. Hendell’s 90th film “Guss, possibly, Guss, Definitely!” It was nifty!
Good Bye.
Philosophical Todd

Fewl Har Dea Phewlles

Posted in Stories on April 8, 2012 by Timothy A. Hertz and Cornelius Claude

Dear Philosophical Todd,

My name is PitCH. I am writing you this letter in the hopes that you will read it. My question for you, Philo. Tod., is as follows: “What do you like to purchase at a commet shop”

This question warrants a short backstory. I have a good associate who is named Whennettést. Whennettést has his trabajo as a SureCourrier at the local commet shoppe, 4 Commet Shoppes! Despite the name, this is really just one commet shoppe, so look at that as something of a pickle, if you wish to look at the matter in the same way that I do.

Upon this morning, I strolled into 4 Commet Shoppes! I was looking to purchase some new PeckCo™ Brand Propane Buggies, as these are my vehicle of preference. I asked Whennettést where I might purchase these, but Whennettést simply said, “Look here! You should try SeaFare’s Delicatessen if you wi$h to purchase that. You can’t buy such a thing in this commet shop, which is called… 4 Commet Shoppes!”.

I was puzzled. This brings me to my query: “Dontcha reckon that vehicles should be sold at a commet shoppe! I mean really!”

Sincerely, PitCH

Dear Philosophical Todd,

Lately I have become aware of three things. Those things are as follows: I am now a proud member of the “Porch Club of WestBurg,” I now own three parachute containment saqs and I am not currently employed by a bargain hunting salesman named “Whellmen.” All of these things worry me, but my question today revolves around my parachute saqs problem.

One day I was taking my spAce diving class in the nearby town of “EaR forTley.”  The instructor informed me that for me to participate actively in the class I would have to use four, please count them please, four of my favorite brand of  parachute saqs. Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a favorite brand of parachute saq!

That brings me to my question, “What is your favorite brand of parachute saq?” That’s what I’d like to know Todd, that’s what I’d like to know.

With tepid regards,

GadS

Hello, Filosophical Todd,

Recently, I was unfortunate enough to find a beetle. But that story is for another day, not the day that today is. My question for you, PHILOSOPHICAL TODD, is as follows this here sentence: “What is your favorite movie by world class filmsmith, Hendell B. Hendell?” I’ll have you know, Hendell B. Hendell is quite the filmsmith. Here are some of his films:

Lost, Found, Spiral Bound. This film is about a protagonist. His name? Netentious. His quest? To find and/or locate the sole surviving member of the Deamz Club. This was a club that is not particularly mentioned very often in the film, however, there is one scene in which the Deamz Club is very much visible. This scene, nicknamed, “TheoCastor” by hard-core fans involved Netentious discovering that the Deamz Club isn’t quite so dissolved as was previously thought. The Club, as it turns out, still gathers frequently! They devote their time to selling beads, trinkets, bread and moss. Netentious declined to purchase any of these things. However, *SPOILER ALERT*, he did elect to purchase the Deamz Club! Guess who’s now the Captain of the Deamz Club? Well, if you guessed anyone save for Netentious, you clearly did not pay very close attention to “TheoCastor”!

Admiral Beancliffth, A.K.A. The Legend of Admiral Beancliffth. This movie is about the hap-hazard adventures of risky yet humble nautical sailor, Admiral Beancliffth. In one scene of this film, nicknamed, “Yo Thomas! Get da marmite!” by die hard fans of the film, Admiral Beancliffth must defend his vessel, S.S. Weeds n’ Peas against a rival vessel. Unfortunately, this rival vessel is armed with several hammers. These hammers are attached to the side of the vessel!

Hendell B. Hendell also has 506 other films. Which is your favorite, Todd, which one do you favor, Todd, which is your favorite?

Sincerely,

Lo-It-Mowe

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